On Community

This weekend was pretty much amazing! I went to the Promise Keepers event here in Ottawa and got a chance to hear some spectacular speakers and even got a chance to hang out with long-lost friends. One of the things that this event sparked within me is the question of community. It has been something that I have constantly thought about and wrestled with and I wanted to take this time to hash it out. I'm hoping that you, dear reader, can help me as I try to figure things out. 


Last year, I read an article by a Jewish author on New York Times. She wasn't a devout Jew who was living in Manhattan. She was writing about the Sabbath. In her piece, she mentioned something that resonated within me. She talked about how hard it was to keep the Sabbath in New York because everyone around her was not keeping it. It must be easier, she said, to keep the Sabbath if you had other people keeping it with you. A group. A community. I remember reading that and thinking "you are absolutely right! I wish I had a group of people who made living as a Christian easier. I wish I had a group of people who would support me and I can lean on in times of trouble." And then I had that sinking feeling that said "oh wait... I think that's supposed to be the church." In that moment, one word came to mind. It was a word that I often saw on the Internet but captured the very essence of my emotions. FAIL!


Whether it's the local church or big C church or however I wanted to spin it, I don't think I've ever felt loved by the church. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't say that individuals within the church have never loved me because they have. I have Christian friends who have thankfully helped me all along my journey. I even went to a Christian seminary and I would dare to even say that I have felt the support of certain classmates and faculty members. But this communal love that the Bible best exemplifies in Acts 2:42-47 has always been a dream of mine that seems to be unrealized. Christians, according to Jesus, should be known by their love for each other. I almost always felt unappreciated, unloved, and unwanted. 


I belong to a group on Twitter and I must say that I have felt more love within this virtual community than the love that I have felt in the church. I have seen these people time and time again rally together to help a wounded member. A couple of months ago, one of the member's father died and word quickly spread on how to help out as we sent flowers to his father's funeral. Or someone who currently lost a job and needed some financial help for the time being was aided by numerous PayPal donations. I know that various people have opinions on the "real"-ness of virtual communities. However, through this virtual community, I felt appreciated, engaged, loved and respected.


And thus, the battle that I am in. During the Promise Keepers event, one of the things they emphasized was the need for community. For men to help out other men. I am all for that. I've been blessed to have had the chance along the years to journey for some short, some longer periods of time in their Christian walk. I know how amazing it is to know that someone is by your side. My problem right now is that I am so disappointed, so disheartened by the lack of community that I have been feeling for awhile now and I find it so much easier to quit. I know that quitting is not the answer, but bitterness shouldn't be the next option too.


Have you ever felt this way? And if you have, what did you do to remedy the situation?


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Fear of the future

There's something about the future that is both fearful and exciting. It's the uncertainty of it all. I think the weird thing about uncertainty is that, depending on how you see it, it can lead to either paralyzing fear about the unknown or stir something deep down inside of intense anticipation about what life has in store. I find that like most things in life, the way we choose how to interpret or see things is more important than the actual situation itself. Like the old adage says, we may not be able to control what happens to us but we can sure take control on how we react to what happens to us. 


As a well-known cell phone provider blasts through the airwaves, "the future is friendly." Or is it? I mean, what do we really know about the future that is so friendly. If we don't know a single thing about it, how can we come to the assumption that it is friendly. It may be friendly, in general, but will it be friendly to me? Unfortunately, no human being can answer that question for me with a 100% accuracy. All I know is that this life can be cruel, mean, unkind, and harsh. What's so friendly with that?


And yet, even with all of these "negative" things, it is precisely because life can so easily be snuffed out that life becomes so precious. The fragility of life adds to its special-ness. Without sickness, can we truly be thankful for our good health? Without despair, can we truly experience the ultimate bliss of joy?


Right now, I'm in a transition. Quite honestly, I hate transitions. I hate living in the limbo land between knowing and not knowing. However, this is also the best place. Creativity, innovation, and true knowing happens in liminal places. Crazy things happen in that in-between spaces. My struggle right now is living comfortably in an uncomfortable space. 


Caught between the known and the unknown, I am left looking to God for guidance. Perhaps, this is exactly where I need to be and need to stay. 


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Is God enough?

More and more, I find myself asking this question. Is God enough? Or to push it further, is God MORE than enough? The sad part is, if I was truly being honest with myself, the answer is no. God is not enough and for sure, I wouldn't say He is MORE than enough for me right now. I have always found it curious that most of the people who say that God is more than enough in their lives are not exactly the people who are living out God's commandments. It surely is easier to say it when you're not following what He demands of you than when you are. That, or sometimes  I find that the people who say it so easily are those who are rather naive. The ones who haven't really been tested yet by the harsh realities of life. Or, I sometimes question if they have truly counted the cost of making God the true and only priority in their lives. When you go through what Job went through, losing everything you have in every which way you can ever imagine losing, can you still say that God is enough?


There have been times when I have counted the cost of following God and I have said, with fear and awe, that He is enough... that He is more than enough! This is not one of those times. Living in transition can be very stretching. I find myself thinking "I have no job. I don't have a relationship. I feel like a constant failure. I'm not wanted." While the cliché Christian answer would be, "It's ok. God is with you and He is more than enough," I find it a bit unhelpful and useless to me. At least I'm honest with myself and I find comfort that God can do something with honest people rather than pretend this isn't how I feel and fool others with my spirituality. 


And so I find myself wanting to leave the faith. If I wasn't a Christian, I would feel freer in partaking in various depravities I would like to enjoy in. I can sin to my heart's content. I can do whatever I want! While I know that these fleeting pleasures wouldn't wholly satisfy me, at least I would feel some pleasure out of it rather than this feeling of hopelessness and despair. But I also know that in the end, I just can't leave Him. He has been really good to me. He has shown me kindness and love that I have never experienced from anyone before. 


Maybe, just maybe, deep down inside, He is enough after all. 




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Jesus vs. Religion: A Response

By now, most people have seen this video pitting Jesus against religion. I know that a lot of people have already made their various responses to it but I thought I would also join the masses and sharing what I thought about this video.

My friend wrote this as a response:

"I totally oppose this video. It is hate crime. It contains the logic of Hitler. Contrary to the arrogant speculation of our semi-transgressive wanna be Linkin Park narrator, the Christian New Testament is not ashamed to self-identify as a religion (James 1:27), and most good inner city work done to feed the poor is done by Christian, religion based, missionary initiatives (Salvation Army, Covenant House, Yonge Street Mission etc). Unfortunately, the moment we begin to see our practices as normative, pure, or more "authentic"--the moment we think our practices are not practices--that is when the ideological language of hatred is used to delegitimize the "Other". Not surprisingly, this video ends with a statement of hate, and that is what this video is, a hate video."

I had to really think about the comment my friend made. This is a man who I admire and I definitely would define him as a thought-leader. He knows his stuff. And so, while it is too easy to dismiss his claims as too "overboard" or "way out there" at first glance, I really took the time to think about what he said. And so, while the comment may seem excessive, I would heartily agree with it. 

First, I have a big problem with the way "religion" is often portrayed in today's mainstream society. This video merely adds to the current misconception that "religion is bad" or that "religion has started wars". Religion, however, has often been hijacked by religious people and have been twisted and manipulated to be used to further their own selfish, sick ambitions and desires. How much of it is the "religion" and how much of it is the result of evil people who pervert a religion to benefit themselves? 

Religion comes from the word "re" and "ligio", with the word "ligio" meaning "to bind" or "to mend". When you break a bone and have to re-set it, this is the meaning imbued and hidden in the word. Religion, then, at least in its purest sense, is a way to re-bind the cosmic separation between humans and God. It is a way to re-connect, to fix the great divide that separates the creation from its Creator. Religion is the attempt of man to experience the divine unity that was severed by sin. And so in humanity's attempt to fix this cosmic break-up, it has come up with different, alternative ways to connect with God. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism are but some of the names that humanity has come up with to connect with the Higher Being we are connected to. I'm not saying that Christianity is the same as other religions (I am not a relativist...) but I guess I don't understand why so many Christians are insecure about the fact that there are other religions. If anything, it is but a testament to the fact that we are all image-bearers who long to be with the One who created us. 

Some North American Evangelical Christians are completely offended that Christianity is lumped in with other religions. Christianity is not a religion, it's about a relationship with Jesus Christ, they say. Why can't it be both? Jesus didn't seem to be uptight about it. While Jesus did get mad at "religious" people, it is important to note that He was mad at "religious" people who tried to subvert religion to suit their needs. The main "villains" in the Gospel were Pharisees and Sadducees who were intent in the "law" rather than the "spirit of the law." (The law is actually amazing but the way that we understand it has been so twisted! But that's for another post...) What I find ironic is the fact that so many evangelical Christians point to this example and yet their attitudes are rather similar to the attitudes of the ones they're attacking. 

And here is probably my biggest problem with this video: it sets up a false claim that Jesus is against religion when in fact, Jesus is against FALSE religion. While I understand that this is not what he was trying to say (based on published exchanges between Kevin DeYoung and Jefferson Bethke), it is important to differentiate between the two. Being religious is not the same as being a hypocrite. Hypocrisy is the antithesis of what religion means and aspires to be. At the same time, there's this underlying insinuation that if you disagree with what he said, you are in the wrong and probably not even a Christian. Of course, he doesn't do this explicitly, but I have been around enough North American Evangelical Christians to know that it is true. Evangelical Christianity must understand that its own practices, rituals and particular way of understanding Christianity is subject to the same criticism that it levels at other groups under the Christian banner.

Maybe the reason why I am so riled up by this video is because I could see myself saying and thinking the same thing a few years ago. Maybe the reason why I am so riled up by this video is because I'm forced to face my past ideas and be humbled at how wrong I could be. And maybe the biggest reason why I am so riled up by this video is because I see the lack of humility in the way the Gospel is presented and think, wow, how could I have gotten it so wrong?

I agree that Christ is the only way, the truth and the life. I agree that without Him, I am nothing. I agree that we are saved by grace through faith, and not by works, lest any man should boast. But I guess what I don't see is the heart of Paul when he said that he would rather be accursed and separated from God if it meant the salvation of the Jews. Where is the heart of compassion that weeps for the lost and mourns for them? Where is the heart of grace we're supposed to extend to everyone? Am I saying we should sin so that grace may abound? May it not be so! But for a video that talks a lot about grace, I just didn't find it that gracious to begin with.

One week later...

Just wanted to update yall about my progress in terms of my 2012 goals.

Yesterday, I went to the gym for the first time in 2012. It was brutal. There was definitely some muscle atrophy going on. I couldn't do things that I was capable of doing months ago. But, that's understandable. My goal is to go every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to the gym. For Tuesday and Thursday, I would like to do more cardio during those times. However, today was a definite fail because I didn't do it. I will go to the gym tomorrow to make myself feel better. 

I've also been trying to get into the habit of bringing a lunch everyday to work and having a treat every Friday. Previously, I bought lunch on a regular basis which is a complete waste of money. I'm trying to curtail my spending habits and I think this is one area where I can definitely save a lot of money by implementing my bring a lunch to work policy. 

The whole waking up at 6 am has not been going well. I would wake up but I end up going back to sleep or stay laying down and not doing anything (which is pointless!) The goal was to wake up so I can read my Bible and pray not to lie down and do nothing for an hour. I'm hoping to get that kick started again. 

All in all, I'm really excited about trying to achieve my goals for 2012. I'm experiencing some rough patches but I am very confident that I will be able to accomplish them with tenacity and perseverance. I am updating this blog a week after I said I would =) 

How about you? How are your New Year's resolutions or goals going so far?

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New beginnings

I love the New Year. There's something refreshing about the whole thing. It gives you time to think about the past year with all of its triumphs and failures and put an end to it while also giving focus to the future, full of unknowns, slightly terrifying, but still joyful in anticipation. 


It's a great time to take stock of what has happened and make the necessary tweaks to be better and improve on what we have done. I guess it's the whole notion of progress that makes "New Year" so appealing and something to be happy about. It reminds us that we can change if we want to, and that change is something good, albeit frightening, but ultimately good. 


This year, I want to be more focussed. I want to set very specific goals so that I have something to work towards. I find that after graduating from my Masters, I've allowed myself to slide back into academic mush. I want to create a reading list that I would like to go through per month. I also want to make sure that I write articles to keep my writing skills up (both from an academic and recreational standpoint). I want to pump out at least 12 papers (either academic or recreational) this year. Either I write 12 papers, or I write a book (yes, I've been thinking of writing one for a very long time). 


I also want to establish routines so that I can accomplish more things. I want to start waking up at 6 a.m. every day and get my spiritual disciplines up and running. I also want to establish my gym dates because I want to work out at least 3x a week. I don't want to say they're my New Year's resolution. They're more my goals for the upcoming year. That way, it sounds more definite and I can't be wishy-washy about it. 


I also want to blog more consistently in the upcoming year. I will commit to posting once a week (more if time affords it...) And if there are topics that you want me to talk about, let me know and I might decide to tackle it =)


All in all, I just want to say thank you for reading my blog, being a friend to me, and for all your words and deeds that encourage me. So write a comment and let me know your thoughts.




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Secede in te ipsum....

I first came across the term "secede in te ipsum" while I was reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. In the preface, it was talking about the need for us to retreat within ourselves to find the answers. In the process of doing so, we ultimately carry out the famous advice of the Oracle of Delphi, "Know Thyself." 


I decided about three weeks ago to take a month off from social media. It was brought about by a set of circumstances. Three weeks ago, in front of our building, someone opened their car door and accidentally bumped a cyclist onto oncoming traffic. She was instantly killed. I didn't see this happen but I saw its aftermath. I heard a blood curdling scream from the street below. At first, I thought that it was some frosh students or protesters. What I ended up seeing was far worse than I could ever imagine. The lifeless legs of someone whose body was not in plain sight, obstructed by the vehicle that pinned her down. I saw the paramedics rushing to her aid, aggressively trying to resuscitate her back to life to no avail. Hours later, I found out that she was dead on arrival. A young woman in her early 30s whose life was no more. Two days after this, a family friend finally ended his prolonged battle with cancer. He was 42 and leaves behind a wife and 2 young kids. These events forced me to ask the existential questions that death brings about. "What matters to me?", "what am I living for?", "what do I want my life to mean?" Suddenly, these questions are no longer some esoteric, philosophical questions that I ask myself. Suddenly, they are real, brought to life by tragic events. 


During this time, I also had a talk with a friend. She challenged me about how I act and how I thought. It was difficult to answer her questions. I was forced to grapple with the questions that have been lying dormant but I chose not to answer because I didn't want to face them. "Who am I?", "Is the projected me the real me?", "Are there things about me that I think are my personality and is a part of me which are actually just baggage I need to get rid of?" These were very tough questions I needed to deal with and I wanted to take the time to think about them and contemplate. Thus, I took a month off of social media. No Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and even BBM. It's hard to find out who you truly are when everyone else is telling you who they think you are. I needed to drown out the noise so I can hear my own. 


I must say that it has been a great time of getting to know myself. I don't think I've gotten it all figured out yet but I'm definitely happy that I've made some progress. And yet, through it all, there is a recurring theme of God's pursuing love. God has made it clear to me that He wants me, that He wants to be with me, and that He wants to have a relationship with me. I would not be where I am today if not for Him. 


Oh God, may You continue to light my way and guide my path. 


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