Secede in te ipsum....

I first came across the term "secede in te ipsum" while I was reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. In the preface, it was talking about the need for us to retreat within ourselves to find the answers. In the process of doing so, we ultimately carry out the famous advice of the Oracle of Delphi, "Know Thyself." 


I decided about three weeks ago to take a month off from social media. It was brought about by a set of circumstances. Three weeks ago, in front of our building, someone opened their car door and accidentally bumped a cyclist onto oncoming traffic. She was instantly killed. I didn't see this happen but I saw its aftermath. I heard a blood curdling scream from the street below. At first, I thought that it was some frosh students or protesters. What I ended up seeing was far worse than I could ever imagine. The lifeless legs of someone whose body was not in plain sight, obstructed by the vehicle that pinned her down. I saw the paramedics rushing to her aid, aggressively trying to resuscitate her back to life to no avail. Hours later, I found out that she was dead on arrival. A young woman in her early 30s whose life was no more. Two days after this, a family friend finally ended his prolonged battle with cancer. He was 42 and leaves behind a wife and 2 young kids. These events forced me to ask the existential questions that death brings about. "What matters to me?", "what am I living for?", "what do I want my life to mean?" Suddenly, these questions are no longer some esoteric, philosophical questions that I ask myself. Suddenly, they are real, brought to life by tragic events. 


During this time, I also had a talk with a friend. She challenged me about how I act and how I thought. It was difficult to answer her questions. I was forced to grapple with the questions that have been lying dormant but I chose not to answer because I didn't want to face them. "Who am I?", "Is the projected me the real me?", "Are there things about me that I think are my personality and is a part of me which are actually just baggage I need to get rid of?" These were very tough questions I needed to deal with and I wanted to take the time to think about them and contemplate. Thus, I took a month off of social media. No Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and even BBM. It's hard to find out who you truly are when everyone else is telling you who they think you are. I needed to drown out the noise so I can hear my own. 


I must say that it has been a great time of getting to know myself. I don't think I've gotten it all figured out yet but I'm definitely happy that I've made some progress. And yet, through it all, there is a recurring theme of God's pursuing love. God has made it clear to me that He wants me, that He wants to be with me, and that He wants to have a relationship with me. I would not be where I am today if not for Him. 


Oh God, may You continue to light my way and guide my path. 


and scene...

Sunset

**This post is part of Indie Ink’s Weekly Writing Challenge. Joelyn was my Challenger this week. Her topic to me was "Describe a beautiful sunset.” I in turn challenged Bewildered Bug **
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was beautiful.

The muscles aching, straining to tap into some hidden energy reserves to climb up once more. Fatigued limbs grasping for what little oxygen it can possibly get. The mind feverishly working to come up with more lies to enable the body to keep on going.

It was beautiful.

Finally reaching the summit of the mountain. Looking out and seeing vast swaths of lands filled with fauna and flora. The deer leaping, the rabbit hopping, the frog jumping, the insects scuttling from one end to another.

It was beautiful.

The sky losing its bluish hue. In its stead, pinks and violets and orange mingled, interweaving with one another. The brightness and cheerfulness of the day easing itself so quietly and surreptitiously into the somber and mysterious mood of the night.

It was beautiful.

The garish sun that gave off intense heat throughout the day turns into the refreshing coolness of the night. It is as if it finally felt awful enough to stop its cruelty, if only for a brief moment in time. And in that moment, plants, animals and humans, find their rest.

It was beautiful how these thoughts circled in his brain. Wondering what it could mean, wondering what it would look like. He could only get snippets, bits and pieces, fragments from people's explanations. With their eyes, he could see the sunset in all its majestic glory.

It was beautiful. In his mind's eye.

Reaching the top

It started out as a random line thrown in a conversation. My friend told me that he liked climbing a mountain an hour away from his house. "Maybe we should do that one time... climb a mountain," I said. Burst of laughter from me ensues. I'm not a really outdoorsy type of person. I'm a city boy. I like my concrete jungle. But, something within me has been changing these past few years. More and more, I yearn to escape the city-ness that I live in. I long to see trees, walk in fields of grass, hear the stillness in the air. And so, I decided to do something that I've never done before. I was going to climb this mountain. 


It was a beautiful hike. Sweat dripping from my face, I kept on going. We took a small break and proceeded to take out our cameras and have a little photoshoot. Even did some planking and owling :P After awhile, we were back on the road to the top of this mountain. It was hard work but when you have a goal in mind, it makes the hard work easier. Well, maybe not easier, but at least it gives you a reason to move. Climbing up the rocky face was challenging, to say the least. The fear of falling never really left me until finally, there were no more rocks to climb, no more steps to make, because I finally reached the summit. As I looked out from the top, it took my breath away. The view was startlingly refreshing and breathtaking. 


Later on at night, we saw the light show of the heavens. The clouds, the stars, and the moon provided us with a heavenly display devoid of the light pollution that can often dull these glimmering bodies in the sky. Sitting there, my eyes transfixed, my heart bursting, my mouth silent, for once, at the wonder before me. God's wonderful creation viewed by another creation. Humbling and awe-inspiring to say the least. 


As I climbed down, I knew that it would not be my last. I look forward to going back up that mountain and being transported to yet another world. 

Yay!!! =) 

Poetry that inspired my latest writing challenge

I woke up to "The silence was deafening" and thought of this poem that I wrote awhile ago. This provided the impetus to write the story I just wrote.


Song of Sid IV


Mind spinning, whirling, twisting
Remembering what should remain forgotten
Seizing what should remain hidden
Contemplating what should remain latent


Soul descending, spiralling, groaning
Falling under a burden of care
Stumbling over sins I bear
Tripping over and under everything, I swear


The walls are closing in
I can barely breathe
My world is caving in
I can barely scream


I cry out in the open
I cry in despair
The tears flood my senses
But I can't tell if You're there


Silence.
Screaming silence.
Painful silence.
Silent silence.


Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani


Tetelestai.

The silence was deafening

*This post was inspired by Sherree Worrell's writing challenge. The topic is "The silence was deafening.” I decided to take up the challenge as well.*

The sun rose in the east. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decades after decades, millennium after millennium, it did what it naturally did. And yet, somehow, this time, it was different. The sun rose not only to announce that it was a new day; it rose to announce the end of a life. This morning, he was going to die.

He knew he had it coming. Well, everyone on this earth knows that but somehow still manage to think that it would never come. No, not him. He knew he was going to die. He even knew how. He was one of those people that knew his mortality. Accepting the fact that he was going to perish, it gave his life meaning and purpose. I guess that's how it works. We only know how to live well if we know how to die well.

I guess it wasn't a surprise. He was always telling the so-called good people the things they didn't want to hear. He was always telling the bad people that love is not some far-fetched dream. Standing up against the status quo can get you killed fast. It was only a matter of time before they were going to make a move against him.

In the middle of the night, they found him. Arrested him. Brought him to a kangaroo court where he was accused of crimes he didn't commit. Beat him. Tortured him. Amnesty International wasn't there to intervene against such cruel and inhumane practices foisted against his body. There will be no petitions for his release. The paparazzi couldn't make tabloid fodder over his fate. No one was there to console him. He was all alone. Even his so-called friends scampered away when they saw the law coming hard against him. When trouble came, they all fled.

And so, they subjected him to one of the most gruesome and humiliating walk of shame known to man. Stripped naked, they paraded him. They did it to make an example out of him. “Don't be like him,” mothers whispered to their kids. His mother crying a flood of tears as she sees the mangled flesh of her son. It was too much for her to bear.

Suddenly, the skies darkened. The very ground they stood on began to tremble. Pathetic fallacy perhaps? Maybe he was innocent after all? Perhaps. Only time will tell. And in the midst of all the rumblings in the sky, he cried out in a strange and foreign tongue. Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani. My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?

In what must seem like weeks, months, years, decades, and a millennium to a dying man, the answer finally came.

Silence.

My thoughts on life insurance...

The following is an excerpt from one of my projects for Biblical Interpretation and Application. For this class, we had to do a Scripture twisting journal. I know that I have had previous conversations in the past with fellow Christians who wonder about taking life insurance. This is my response to that question.

Scripture Twisting: Matt. 6:19-20

            My friend and I recently got into a conversation about life insurance. I guess that’s a sign of growing up and having to deal with real life issues. He was debating whether he should get one or not. When I asked him why he was hesitant about it, his answer took me by surprise. He said, “isn’t it wrong to get a life insurance? I mean, doesn’t the Bible say that we shouldn’t store up our treasures here on earth and that we should store up our treasures in heaven instead?” Since the Bible does say that we are to store up our treasures in heaven rather than on earth, does that apply to life insurances?

            France comments that “the focus of this saying is on priorities: heaven rather than earth. It is going beyond the intention of the saying to use it as a basis for ruling out all material possessions and all provisions for the (earthly) future on the part of the disciples.”[1] He reminds us of how “the itinerant and dependent lifestyle of Jesus and his disciples depended on the support of those who had not divested themselves of all their possessions.”[2] This verse is trying to highlight the need for us, as followers of Christ, to have an eternal perspective. It is to remind ourselves that we need to live a life that brings honour and glory to God. However, this does not mean that we should not be mindful of the fact that we do have an earthly existence rooted in material things. We need to eat, drink, have a job so that we can take care of ourselves and our family. Jesus is not trying to advocate some Gnostic idea of the flesh and how we should not take care of it. Jesus is, however, advising us that everything we do in this life is meaningless if we do not prepare for the life that is to come. We need to have a heavenly focus while we are on earth.

            My friend misunderstood the crux of the matter. This verse is not averse to taking care of our fleshly needs and desires. Getting life insurance isn’t about storing treasures here on earth instead of in heaven. Getting life insurance is a wise investment of the financial resources which God has given unto us. However, if our mind and heart puts its trust on our life insurance instead of God to provide for us, then we are in danger. It is a matter of priorities rather than a blank statement against having material possessions. According to Carson, he committed a fallacy arising from omission of distanciation in the interpretative process.[3] In some way, he is interpreting this passage just like the fisherman in F.F. Bruce’s story. Thinking that acquiring or being rich in material possessions is bad, he then imposes that theology on this particular verse. A proper understanding of this verse should lead him to first and foremost, question his motives behind getting a life insurance. Is he getting it so that he does not become a burden to those he will leave behind? Is he getting it so he can ease the burden on his family since his death will result in a loss of income for the family at large? Or is he getting it because he does not trust that God will provide and so he better start taking care of himself because God may or may not help him out in the end? Examining his priorities and evaluating his response would be a better way for him to tackle this question.

---

[1] France, The Gospel of Matthew, 259.

[2] France, The Gospel of Matthew, 259.

[3] Carson, Exegetical Fallacies, 128.

The question of enthrallment

I was talking to a friend yesterday about some of the problems we face when we communicate with our parents. A lot of the people I know (especially the Asians, or immigrants in general) have trouble talking to our parents. Why? I think it's the generational gap in thinking that serves as a barrier. Our parents usually ask questions like "What kind of job can you get with your degree?" or "How much money are you going to make with your job?" Our response is usually something along the lines of "Life isn't just about money or getting ahead" or "I don't care what job I get as long as I'm happy." And the tension between the two generations rise up. While our parent's generation had to deal with "real" problems like poverty and famine, our generation deal with existential problems like "Who am I?" and "What is my purpose?"

Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs give us a glimpse into how this works itself out. For people who have to deal with questions of basic needs like "where are we going to get food for tomorrow?," they do not have the time to bother themselves in asking "do I find fulfillment in what I am doing right now?"

And so, we sit through class lectures at university wondering how knowing chemical equations, logical fallacies, and Darwin's evolutionary theory can give us a sense of accomplishment. What is this all about? Is it merely a series of events that culminate with me, walking down the aisle, and getting a piece of expensive paper with letters beside my name? Is this about getting a degree so that I can look/sound better than other people (when really there is no discernible difference between me and others, other than my degree that tells me I know things except I forgot everything after that first mid-term)?

What is our purpose? As Christians, the answer to that question is simple: our purpose is to obey God. After all, we are his servants. His very slaves. But, if we are honest, we have no idea what being a servant/slave means. No friggin' clue at all.

I was watching a show the other day about a man who owns gladiators and slaves. In his desire to exalt himself, he plots and schemes his way to curry the favour of a top Roman official. To entertain him, he gives the Roman official his most prized gladiator to deal with as he wishes. The Roman official, in his depravity, orders the gladiator to commit a morally contemptible act with another slave. The dilemma: the slave is his best friend's wife. But, slaves as they are, they have no choice in the matter but to follow orders. Even when they did not want to. Even when it was something against everything they stand for. They had no choice: they were slaves. They were nothing but property of their master who will deal with them in any manner he so chooses. Their lives are at their master's whim. Such is the life of a slave.

And yet, here comes God, in His infinite goodness, who sees our situation and buys us into a life of goodness. Sin is a cruel slave-owner and the price for getting out is dear and costly. It might even cost someone his own life. Yet, knowing the price for a wretch, God sends His own Son to redeem us, to buy us back from a life of depravity and death. His death in exchange for mine.

Let's pretend this scenario happens: someone who was not worth a dime being bought at a price of someone's own life. If that happened, I feel like I would be so extremely indebted to that person that I would do anything and everything for him. Even if it wasn't demanded of me, the freedom I now enjoy would cause me to celebrate and honour the man who has purchased me. If the one who has bought me would release me from his own power, yet would I not leave his side.

And yet this scenario is not some hypothetical example! This is what happened when Jesus Christ came to die on the cross and was raised from the dead three days later. His crucifixion and resurrection were the very means of our own redemption. Our freedom was gained through the sacrificial Lamb.

Something I'm guilty of, and I fear most of us as well, is how we do not understand the suffering of Christ. The whips, as horrible as they were, could not compare to the anguish of the soul that must have overcome Jesus when the very people he fed and who praised him just days before, were also the same people whose faces were turned against him, pleading and crying out for his death. How lonely and rejected he must have felt when the disciples who lived with him who professed their love for him were the ones who denied knowing he even existed. The physical, emotional and spiritual brutality that was inflicted upon him is incomprehensible. This was not something drawn out in weeks, months, or years. This came so suddenly and so strongly. Were we in that same position, would we not, just like Jesus, cry out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

All of this Jesus endured for our sake. Should this not well up within us such feelings of humility, contrition and love for Him? A worm such as I, deserving of nothing, was given everything! I, who owned nothing, am now made co-heirs with the Son of God. I, who was nothing, am adopted into the family of God. The pauper is now made prince! What sheer delight should fill our soul at such a thought! If this God ever tried to get rid of me, if He said to me, Leave my presence!, I have no choice but to let Him know that I shall do no such thing! I have seen what the world offers, and it pales in comparison to what He has shown me. I cannot and will not leave Him even if He should try to rid Himself of me! Such is my love for Him.

Yet, I fear that this is not the case. "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it/Prone to leave the God I love" is more the refrain of my life. And I have often wondered why? Why is it that despite of everything God has done for me, I so easily wander away from Him?

The answer was simple: God did not enthrall me. When I go to a store and I see the latest gadget, my eyes are fixed, my heart beats faster, and I am enthralled! I want that! I covet that! When my eyes perceive a thing of beauty, my knees go weak, my tongue is stilled, and I am enthralled! I yearn for that! I long for that! The things of this world so easily seduces me with its empty pleasures and empty promises. The problem with idols is that sooner or later, you realize that it wasn't worth it but you've lost everything of worth in the process.

As I gaze upon the wondrous cross, am I left speechless at the sheer agony and pain my Saviour must have endured for me? Do my eyes fill with tears of joy because for once in my life, someone thought I was worth something and showed it to me through the giving of his own life for mine? Does my heart leap with joy at the thought of a lone figure, hanging on a cross, knowing that I put him there and yet he musters up enough strength to stay the hand of his hurting Father and say "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

And I feel the question linger in the air: this God who has given His all, does He enthrall you? Are you enthralled by the beauty of His majesty? Are you enthralled by the humility of his divinity? Are you enthralled by His love that woos you to Himself?

My heart and mind says Yes, Yes, a thousand times Yes. And yet, my actions say No, No, a million times No.

Oh God, may You be my pleasure, my happiness, my delight. May I be enthralled by You in my very core. May my actions reflect how much You have enthralled me. That even if I have "better things" to do, I will set them aside because I cannot do anything but praise You! May my heart be full of You! May You be my Consuming Desire that urges me to recklessly abandon all I have to please You.

Even so, come, Lord Jesus.

and scene...