More and more, I find myself asking this question. Is God enough? Or to push it further, is God MORE than enough? The sad part is, if I was truly being honest with myself, the answer is no. God is not enough and for sure, I wouldn't say He is MORE than enough for me right now. I have always found it curious that most of the people who say that God is more than enough in their lives are not exactly the people who are living out God's commandments. It surely is easier to say it when you're not following what He demands of you than when you are. That, or sometimes I find that the people who say it so easily are those who are rather naive. The ones who haven't really been tested yet by the harsh realities of life. Or, I sometimes question if they have truly counted the cost of making God the true and only priority in their lives. When you go through what Job went through, losing everything you have in every which way you can ever imagine losing, can you still say that God is enough?
There have been times when I have counted the cost of following God and I have said, with fear and awe, that He is enough... that He is more than enough! This is not one of those times. Living in transition can be very stretching. I find myself thinking "I have no job. I don't have a relationship. I feel like a constant failure. I'm not wanted." While the cliché Christian answer would be, "It's ok. God is with you and He is more than enough," I find it a bit unhelpful and useless to me. At least I'm honest with myself and I find comfort that God can do something with honest people rather than pretend this isn't how I feel and fool others with my spirituality.
And so I find myself wanting to leave the faith. If I wasn't a Christian, I would feel freer in partaking in various depravities I would like to enjoy in. I can sin to my heart's content. I can do whatever I want! While I know that these fleeting pleasures wouldn't wholly satisfy me, at least I would feel some pleasure out of it rather than this feeling of hopelessness and despair. But I also know that in the end, I just can't leave Him. He has been really good to me. He has shown me kindness and love that I have never experienced from anyone before.
Maybe, just maybe, deep down inside, He is enough after all.
and scene...
