New poem

It has been awhile since I have written a poem. Last night, somehow I was inspired to write. Here it is for your viewing pleasure. 

Portrait of a human

Riding the waves of this ocean called life 

I am lured by the Sirens' beckoning call

Slowly but surely, I find myself moved

Ever closer to their rocky shores.

Come and see, such pleasures for thee

Come and live out your wildest dreams

Come, for I can fulfill your every fantasy

Come, take hold of me, for I am truly Yours.

Logic escapes me, when faced with such a temptress

Reason flees, my mind lay bare naked

No matter how hard I tell my feet to escape

Step by step, they bring me closer to my fate.

If I then shall give myself wholly

What names shall I say, of those who bested me?

They looked at each other, faces confused

"Poor mortal," they said, "have you really no clue?"

We are called by many names, but nothing changes

Time and time again, our wares render you helpless

Though warnings and alarms about us may abound

No human is immune, even the pious are defenseless.

We three, the unholy trinity of yore

Will ever devour you to your very soul

Mortal tongues cannot begin to describe us three

Money, sex and power - your names for we.

Suddenly, mine eyes began to see

It was as if a veil was lifted, their true forms they revealed

The lustrous hair, the luscious lips, the virgin smiles were but a mask

What was hidden underneath, too ghastly to describe by the tongue.

I cowered in a corner, what destructive monstrosity!

There are no words to describe the fear, my heart rapidly beating

For there it was, I could not deny

Their faces unmasked - their faces were me. 

To dream the impossible dream

There's a Filipino saying that when roughly translated says "it's ok to dream. After all, it's cheap." Philippines is full of poverty and life is hard. So many people dream of a better life. They dream of nicer clothes, of getting an education that they can't afford, to live in a house instead of a hut. They dream of things that, for all intents and purposes, will never be. Dream, they say, because dreams are nothing but wistful wishes that mean nothing. 


Yet, I find the opposite to be true. Dreaming is expensive. Well, I guess it's only expensive when you want to turn that dream into a reality. The emotion that goes into it is too much, sometimes. Working hard and not letting failures get you down is really hard. Sometimes, it is easier to not dream. It's easier to languish in despair, to wallow in the misery of broken dreams and crushed emotions. 


But to live a life without dreams is even more depressing. Hope, as illusory as it can be at times, is needed. Dreams remind us that we can turn the invisible to visible. Dreams remind us that the visible and the tangible are actually fake and untrue. It is the faint whisper from within that says "there is more if you want more." 


And then reality, my dear arch-enemy, comes along and tells me to flee dream's madness. It shouts of the delusions that I am under. Reality breaks in and confronts me with the harsh realization that my dreams are nothing but delusions. 


However, my dreams continue to enchant me. It asks me the ultimate question that I have to ask myself which is which: is it the fact that my dreams can be my reality, or that which I think is my current reality but a dream?

On Christianity and Humility

I know. Usually those two go hand in hand like water and oil. But weirdly enough, the Bible (them Holy Scriptures that Christians espouse to adhering) says that you can't have one without the other. To be a Christian is to be humble. While many a sermon has been preached on this topic, I wonder if the ones who are preaching it should also preach it to themselves just as much as to their congregation.

Case in point: this whole Jared Wilson brouhaha over this post. He says some pretty outrageous things like this quote he pulled from Douglas Wilson's book Fidelity: What it means to be a one-woman man.

"When we quarrel with the way the world is, we find that the world has ways of getting back at us. In other words, however we try, the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts. This is of course offensive to all egalitarians, and so our culture has rebelled against the concept of authority and submission in marriage. This means that we have sought to suppress the concepts of authority and submission as they relate to the marriage bed." (emphasis mine)

Here's the thing. I'm all about freedom of speech and you can write whatever you want. However, as Christians, we are not supposed to use that freedom to abuse others or be downright offensive. Other Christian bloggers like Rachel Held Evans, Scot McKnight, Matthew Paul Turner, Michael F. Bird, and others wrote various responses to what was generally perceived as a downright horrible and heretical theology that was being espoused about what "biblical marriage" entails.

Just in case you were wondering where I stand on all of this, I would like to quote Matthew Paul Turner when he said

"I find Douglas Wilson’s thoughts about “biblical marriage” to be vile, manipulative, and downright dangerous ... Any time words like power and control and authority and conquers and made-up terms like “true submission” are used in describing the relationship between a husband and wife, you’re not describing God’s ideal. You’re pretty much describing a gateway scenario to emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual, and/or mental abuse inside the confines of a marriage."


So here's the thing, Jared Wilson reacts and writes a follow-up post. I totally understand how sometimes what we intend to say and what others interpret we are saying can be misunderstood. A lot of the negative reaction to the post was the perceived notion that it was basically about the glorification of rape through biblical means. So in his post, he tells them that it was not his intention to do that but he does so with much condescension and arrogance. And it wasn't much of an apology when he criticizes his critics and tells them they are basically idiots who don't understand him. (Ok, he may not have said it exactly like that, but the tone is definitely very scathing and arrogant).

And to think that this post, and the subsequent response, was in The Gospel Coalition blog! Am I the only one who starts singing Alanis Morissette's lyrics "Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?" in my head? There's nothing wrong with saying "Wow. I didn't know that what I wrote was a hot mess that got everyone riled up. Sorry about that. Totally not what I meant." Where is the humility that drips from every jot and tittle? Of course, it is easy to say that he is only human and if you were in that same position, would you act any differently? And to that I say, yes, I probably would react in the same way*. We're humans. However, I have Christian friends who remind me of the gospel and that I should act otherwise and a mother who constantly reminds me to love the unloveable. And even if I did act in that way, at the very least I would admit that it was wrong for me to do it and I was being rebellious and not act like I'm all high and mighty and act like I'm the victim.

The macarisms in the Sermon in the Mount begin with this: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." James reminds us that we need to "humble (y)ourselves in the sight of the Lord." (4:10). Before the charges against Jared Wilson turn into a question of complementarianism vs. egalitarianism, or a challenge of what is "proper" and "improper" exegesis and hermeneutics, this is ultimately a question of pride vs. humility.

"Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. " - Jesus, Matt. 7:20



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*I would react like that privately, but definitely NOT publicly. I think some people need to learn what the word "professional" means. But that's another blog post.

Why God?

I don't think I have ever met a Christian man or woman who has not at one point asked this very question: Why, God, why? Things happen beyond our control and we are left with no answers, only questions. We want these questions to be answered, right away, nay, RIGHT NOW, and yet the answers never come. So we are left to ponder, to wonder, how to react and how to go on.

About a week ago, I went on Facebook and saw a friend's status update with an attached link to his blog. It was his "coming out" story. At first, I wondered what it was about. A lot of the times, people can use a double entendre for effect. However, as I read his post, it was clear that it meant only one thing. He had been struggling with feelings of attraction towards men and at this crucial juncture in his life, finally admitted to himself and to others the fact that he was gay. I must admit that my first reaction was sorrow. Sorrow because I could not imagine living with a secret like that alone. To feel trapped and isolated is one of the biggest traps that Satan has in store for a lot of Christians. I felt sorrow that it seems like he was afraid of what others might think/treat him after such a revelation. The Church is supposed to show encouragement and grace to everyone, believers and non-believers, and yet, too often, it has often been associated with bigotry and condemnation instead of love and compassion. I felt sorrow because it made me feel that the Church has once again failed to be the hands and feet of the Lord she serves.

For my undergrad thesis, I looked at the question of homosexuality and Christianity. I read so many articles concerning the topic. During that research, I realized how complex and multifaceted this issue truly is. It's so much easier to have a cliche answer, to throw some random Bible verse to the situation rather than theologically struggling with how we, as Christians, should respond to a brother or sister who comes out. Sometimes in the process of trying to find out what the answer is, we forget that this is not just some theological exercise to be won but that there is a soul on the other side of the equation. We can't forget that a human being is the recipient of our answer, not a theoretical argument thrown in the air. The love and compassion that God calls for us to exhibit and to proclaim must still be heeded. There is a time for everything. There is a time for debate and discussions. But maybe that is not the time right now. Right now is the time to pray and to seek wisdom from above. This is the time to love a human being who has been made in the image of God. While we may ask the why right now, we must continue to show the world why the gospel of Christ Jesus is a gospel full of love and grace. Because at the end of the day, the why must always give way to the who.

Hammer Time

I can't believe it has been a year since I graduated. The thought came to me in full force last week as I went back to Hamilton to see my friends graduate. I'm so proud of them. I know how hard they worked and I know that this is the beginning of greater things in their lives. Graduation is so different from the spectator side. When I was graduating, I had to worry about not tripping as I walked up, how do I hand this hood thing, hope that I don't fall flat on my face, things like that. When you're watching, it's just so much more relaxed. I was on the balcony with Tara and we had an ongoing commentary during the service. That's definitely something I couldn't do if I was graduating. One by one, they went up the stage. These were people that I went to class with, studied with, commiserated with, and were the recipients of many Facebook status updates of me whining and complaining and how I'm checked in at the library... AGAIN. These were the people I shared life with. These were the people I doubted with, debated with, tried to figure out Greek verbs and conjugations with. I honestly was just so proud of each and everyone of them. Proud of their hard work. Proud of their achievement. Proud that somehow, some way, my life intersected with theirs, and I was better for it. I also got a chance to hang out with old friends. I stayed with my old roomies and so thankful for their hospitality. It was nice to be back. Who knew that Hamilton would feel like home to me? I'm thankful that I had the privilege of knowing all these amazing people and got to have my own little community. I also had the opportunity to talk with my professor. I asked him to be my Ph.D. thesis supervisor and he said yes! I'm sooooo happy about that! I need to meet a few more requirements (1 Greek course and a 40 page research paper) before I can apply but I will be applying for the Ph.D. program next year. Hopefully, I get in! I'm looking forward to seeing this dream come into fruition! My time back in the Hammer just reminded me yet again of one thing... how blessed I am to have had the opportunity to study and meet such great and awesome people in my life. and scene...

On the role of women in the church and at home

So here's a little bit of my background. I think it's important to know someone's background to gain a better understanding of where that person is coming from when they offer any thoughts on a particular subject. I was raised in the Catholic faith until I became Baptist when I was around 7 years old. When my family moved to Canada, we attended the Free Methodist, Pentecostal, and Alliance church. Eventually, we settled into a Pentecostal church. I lived in North Africa for 2 years where I was a part of an Anglican church. From time to time, I have visited Reformed Presbyterian churches and other non-denominationals. So, I've been around the block. That being said, I've seen both parts of the coin. There are those who are so adamantly against women in leadership and there are those who have put women in leadership! 


I find that a lot of people who are  in the anti-women being leaders in God's church often use the fact that most of the leaders in the Bible were men. As such, they see it as a stamp of God's exclusive use of men in leadership positions. However, this appeal to silence is simply fallacious. Just because God doesn't say something about a certain issue doesn't mean that God approves/rejects it. If that was the case, then the Bible will be completely irrelevant to us today because there are certain 21st century issues that are not found in the Bible. Does that mean then that we should simply throw away the Bible because it was a book written for an ancient people? In the words of KJV: God forbid! Plus, the Bible has examples of women being put in leadership positions where they had authority over men. Not just some wimpy men... but army generals kind of men. So CLEARLY, God has no qualms putting women in positions of authority over men. 


When it comes to the home though, the Bible is CRYSTAL CLEAR how the man is the head over the wife and the wife needs to submit to her husband. There's even a verse for it.


"Wives,submit to your own husbands,as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior." - Eph. 5:22-23


Now, let's look at the following verses after that. 


"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." - Eph. 5: 25-28


The leadership that the Bible is proclaiming in these verses is the very type of leadership that Jesus modeled for His disciples. It's servant leadership. It calls for leaders who are willing to debase themselves for the other. It is Jesus, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the Alpha and the Omega, the very Son of God Himself, who in an act of utter humility washes His disciple's feet. What woman would not want to submit herself to a man who would put her needs above his? In fact, what man would not want to submit himself to a man who would do that as well? Everyone would want to submit to someone who they knew had their interests above theirs. 


However, in my observation of the North American Evangelical church, they use this verse to do the exact opposite. They use this verse to lord their authority over the woman. Honey, the Bible says you have to submit to me. Meanwhile, I will use my authority to make you do what I want you to do because I'm the man and I'm the leader. The gospel message is supposed to liberate us from the chains of sin, from bondage, from slavery, from the very things that the world uses to oppress us. Let's make sure then that that this gospel message we preach is not perverted to shackle the women whom Christ, in His goodness, frees from the very same tyranny that "Christian men" want to inflict upon them. 




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On Community

This weekend was pretty much amazing! I went to the Promise Keepers event here in Ottawa and got a chance to hear some spectacular speakers and even got a chance to hang out with long-lost friends. One of the things that this event sparked within me is the question of community. It has been something that I have constantly thought about and wrestled with and I wanted to take this time to hash it out. I'm hoping that you, dear reader, can help me as I try to figure things out. 


Last year, I read an article by a Jewish author on New York Times. She wasn't a devout Jew who was living in Manhattan. She was writing about the Sabbath. In her piece, she mentioned something that resonated within me. She talked about how hard it was to keep the Sabbath in New York because everyone around her was not keeping it. It must be easier, she said, to keep the Sabbath if you had other people keeping it with you. A group. A community. I remember reading that and thinking "you are absolutely right! I wish I had a group of people who made living as a Christian easier. I wish I had a group of people who would support me and I can lean on in times of trouble." And then I had that sinking feeling that said "oh wait... I think that's supposed to be the church." In that moment, one word came to mind. It was a word that I often saw on the Internet but captured the very essence of my emotions. FAIL!


Whether it's the local church or big C church or however I wanted to spin it, I don't think I've ever felt loved by the church. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't say that individuals within the church have never loved me because they have. I have Christian friends who have thankfully helped me all along my journey. I even went to a Christian seminary and I would dare to even say that I have felt the support of certain classmates and faculty members. But this communal love that the Bible best exemplifies in Acts 2:42-47 has always been a dream of mine that seems to be unrealized. Christians, according to Jesus, should be known by their love for each other. I almost always felt unappreciated, unloved, and unwanted. 


I belong to a group on Twitter and I must say that I have felt more love within this virtual community than the love that I have felt in the church. I have seen these people time and time again rally together to help a wounded member. A couple of months ago, one of the member's father died and word quickly spread on how to help out as we sent flowers to his father's funeral. Or someone who currently lost a job and needed some financial help for the time being was aided by numerous PayPal donations. I know that various people have opinions on the "real"-ness of virtual communities. However, through this virtual community, I felt appreciated, engaged, loved and respected.


And thus, the battle that I am in. During the Promise Keepers event, one of the things they emphasized was the need for community. For men to help out other men. I am all for that. I've been blessed to have had the chance along the years to journey for some short, some longer periods of time in their Christian walk. I know how amazing it is to know that someone is by your side. My problem right now is that I am so disappointed, so disheartened by the lack of community that I have been feeling for awhile now and I find it so much easier to quit. I know that quitting is not the answer, but bitterness shouldn't be the next option too.


Have you ever felt this way? And if you have, what did you do to remedy the situation?


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Fear of the future

There's something about the future that is both fearful and exciting. It's the uncertainty of it all. I think the weird thing about uncertainty is that, depending on how you see it, it can lead to either paralyzing fear about the unknown or stir something deep down inside of intense anticipation about what life has in store. I find that like most things in life, the way we choose how to interpret or see things is more important than the actual situation itself. Like the old adage says, we may not be able to control what happens to us but we can sure take control on how we react to what happens to us. 


As a well-known cell phone provider blasts through the airwaves, "the future is friendly." Or is it? I mean, what do we really know about the future that is so friendly. If we don't know a single thing about it, how can we come to the assumption that it is friendly. It may be friendly, in general, but will it be friendly to me? Unfortunately, no human being can answer that question for me with a 100% accuracy. All I know is that this life can be cruel, mean, unkind, and harsh. What's so friendly with that?


And yet, even with all of these "negative" things, it is precisely because life can so easily be snuffed out that life becomes so precious. The fragility of life adds to its special-ness. Without sickness, can we truly be thankful for our good health? Without despair, can we truly experience the ultimate bliss of joy?


Right now, I'm in a transition. Quite honestly, I hate transitions. I hate living in the limbo land between knowing and not knowing. However, this is also the best place. Creativity, innovation, and true knowing happens in liminal places. Crazy things happen in that in-between spaces. My struggle right now is living comfortably in an uncomfortable space. 


Caught between the known and the unknown, I am left looking to God for guidance. Perhaps, this is exactly where I need to be and need to stay. 


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Is God enough?

More and more, I find myself asking this question. Is God enough? Or to push it further, is God MORE than enough? The sad part is, if I was truly being honest with myself, the answer is no. God is not enough and for sure, I wouldn't say He is MORE than enough for me right now. I have always found it curious that most of the people who say that God is more than enough in their lives are not exactly the people who are living out God's commandments. It surely is easier to say it when you're not following what He demands of you than when you are. That, or sometimes  I find that the people who say it so easily are those who are rather naive. The ones who haven't really been tested yet by the harsh realities of life. Or, I sometimes question if they have truly counted the cost of making God the true and only priority in their lives. When you go through what Job went through, losing everything you have in every which way you can ever imagine losing, can you still say that God is enough?


There have been times when I have counted the cost of following God and I have said, with fear and awe, that He is enough... that He is more than enough! This is not one of those times. Living in transition can be very stretching. I find myself thinking "I have no job. I don't have a relationship. I feel like a constant failure. I'm not wanted." While the cliché Christian answer would be, "It's ok. God is with you and He is more than enough," I find it a bit unhelpful and useless to me. At least I'm honest with myself and I find comfort that God can do something with honest people rather than pretend this isn't how I feel and fool others with my spirituality. 


And so I find myself wanting to leave the faith. If I wasn't a Christian, I would feel freer in partaking in various depravities I would like to enjoy in. I can sin to my heart's content. I can do whatever I want! While I know that these fleeting pleasures wouldn't wholly satisfy me, at least I would feel some pleasure out of it rather than this feeling of hopelessness and despair. But I also know that in the end, I just can't leave Him. He has been really good to me. He has shown me kindness and love that I have never experienced from anyone before. 


Maybe, just maybe, deep down inside, He is enough after all. 




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Jesus vs. Religion: A Response

By now, most people have seen this video pitting Jesus against religion. I know that a lot of people have already made their various responses to it but I thought I would also join the masses and sharing what I thought about this video.

My friend wrote this as a response:

"I totally oppose this video. It is hate crime. It contains the logic of Hitler. Contrary to the arrogant speculation of our semi-transgressive wanna be Linkin Park narrator, the Christian New Testament is not ashamed to self-identify as a religion (James 1:27), and most good inner city work done to feed the poor is done by Christian, religion based, missionary initiatives (Salvation Army, Covenant House, Yonge Street Mission etc). Unfortunately, the moment we begin to see our practices as normative, pure, or more "authentic"--the moment we think our practices are not practices--that is when the ideological language of hatred is used to delegitimize the "Other". Not surprisingly, this video ends with a statement of hate, and that is what this video is, a hate video."

I had to really think about the comment my friend made. This is a man who I admire and I definitely would define him as a thought-leader. He knows his stuff. And so, while it is too easy to dismiss his claims as too "overboard" or "way out there" at first glance, I really took the time to think about what he said. And so, while the comment may seem excessive, I would heartily agree with it. 

First, I have a big problem with the way "religion" is often portrayed in today's mainstream society. This video merely adds to the current misconception that "religion is bad" or that "religion has started wars". Religion, however, has often been hijacked by religious people and have been twisted and manipulated to be used to further their own selfish, sick ambitions and desires. How much of it is the "religion" and how much of it is the result of evil people who pervert a religion to benefit themselves? 

Religion comes from the word "re" and "ligio", with the word "ligio" meaning "to bind" or "to mend". When you break a bone and have to re-set it, this is the meaning imbued and hidden in the word. Religion, then, at least in its purest sense, is a way to re-bind the cosmic separation between humans and God. It is a way to re-connect, to fix the great divide that separates the creation from its Creator. Religion is the attempt of man to experience the divine unity that was severed by sin. And so in humanity's attempt to fix this cosmic break-up, it has come up with different, alternative ways to connect with God. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism are but some of the names that humanity has come up with to connect with the Higher Being we are connected to. I'm not saying that Christianity is the same as other religions (I am not a relativist...) but I guess I don't understand why so many Christians are insecure about the fact that there are other religions. If anything, it is but a testament to the fact that we are all image-bearers who long to be with the One who created us. 

Some North American Evangelical Christians are completely offended that Christianity is lumped in with other religions. Christianity is not a religion, it's about a relationship with Jesus Christ, they say. Why can't it be both? Jesus didn't seem to be uptight about it. While Jesus did get mad at "religious" people, it is important to note that He was mad at "religious" people who tried to subvert religion to suit their needs. The main "villains" in the Gospel were Pharisees and Sadducees who were intent in the "law" rather than the "spirit of the law." (The law is actually amazing but the way that we understand it has been so twisted! But that's for another post...) What I find ironic is the fact that so many evangelical Christians point to this example and yet their attitudes are rather similar to the attitudes of the ones they're attacking. 

And here is probably my biggest problem with this video: it sets up a false claim that Jesus is against religion when in fact, Jesus is against FALSE religion. While I understand that this is not what he was trying to say (based on published exchanges between Kevin DeYoung and Jefferson Bethke), it is important to differentiate between the two. Being religious is not the same as being a hypocrite. Hypocrisy is the antithesis of what religion means and aspires to be. At the same time, there's this underlying insinuation that if you disagree with what he said, you are in the wrong and probably not even a Christian. Of course, he doesn't do this explicitly, but I have been around enough North American Evangelical Christians to know that it is true. Evangelical Christianity must understand that its own practices, rituals and particular way of understanding Christianity is subject to the same criticism that it levels at other groups under the Christian banner.

Maybe the reason why I am so riled up by this video is because I could see myself saying and thinking the same thing a few years ago. Maybe the reason why I am so riled up by this video is because I'm forced to face my past ideas and be humbled at how wrong I could be. And maybe the biggest reason why I am so riled up by this video is because I see the lack of humility in the way the Gospel is presented and think, wow, how could I have gotten it so wrong?

I agree that Christ is the only way, the truth and the life. I agree that without Him, I am nothing. I agree that we are saved by grace through faith, and not by works, lest any man should boast. But I guess what I don't see is the heart of Paul when he said that he would rather be accursed and separated from God if it meant the salvation of the Jews. Where is the heart of compassion that weeps for the lost and mourns for them? Where is the heart of grace we're supposed to extend to everyone? Am I saying we should sin so that grace may abound? May it not be so! But for a video that talks a lot about grace, I just didn't find it that gracious to begin with.

One week later...

Just wanted to update yall about my progress in terms of my 2012 goals.

Yesterday, I went to the gym for the first time in 2012. It was brutal. There was definitely some muscle atrophy going on. I couldn't do things that I was capable of doing months ago. But, that's understandable. My goal is to go every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to the gym. For Tuesday and Thursday, I would like to do more cardio during those times. However, today was a definite fail because I didn't do it. I will go to the gym tomorrow to make myself feel better. 

I've also been trying to get into the habit of bringing a lunch everyday to work and having a treat every Friday. Previously, I bought lunch on a regular basis which is a complete waste of money. I'm trying to curtail my spending habits and I think this is one area where I can definitely save a lot of money by implementing my bring a lunch to work policy. 

The whole waking up at 6 am has not been going well. I would wake up but I end up going back to sleep or stay laying down and not doing anything (which is pointless!) The goal was to wake up so I can read my Bible and pray not to lie down and do nothing for an hour. I'm hoping to get that kick started again. 

All in all, I'm really excited about trying to achieve my goals for 2012. I'm experiencing some rough patches but I am very confident that I will be able to accomplish them with tenacity and perseverance. I am updating this blog a week after I said I would =) 

How about you? How are your New Year's resolutions or goals going so far?

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New beginnings

I love the New Year. There's something refreshing about the whole thing. It gives you time to think about the past year with all of its triumphs and failures and put an end to it while also giving focus to the future, full of unknowns, slightly terrifying, but still joyful in anticipation. 


It's a great time to take stock of what has happened and make the necessary tweaks to be better and improve on what we have done. I guess it's the whole notion of progress that makes "New Year" so appealing and something to be happy about. It reminds us that we can change if we want to, and that change is something good, albeit frightening, but ultimately good. 


This year, I want to be more focussed. I want to set very specific goals so that I have something to work towards. I find that after graduating from my Masters, I've allowed myself to slide back into academic mush. I want to create a reading list that I would like to go through per month. I also want to make sure that I write articles to keep my writing skills up (both from an academic and recreational standpoint). I want to pump out at least 12 papers (either academic or recreational) this year. Either I write 12 papers, or I write a book (yes, I've been thinking of writing one for a very long time). 


I also want to establish routines so that I can accomplish more things. I want to start waking up at 6 a.m. every day and get my spiritual disciplines up and running. I also want to establish my gym dates because I want to work out at least 3x a week. I don't want to say they're my New Year's resolution. They're more my goals for the upcoming year. That way, it sounds more definite and I can't be wishy-washy about it. 


I also want to blog more consistently in the upcoming year. I will commit to posting once a week (more if time affords it...) And if there are topics that you want me to talk about, let me know and I might decide to tackle it =)


All in all, I just want to say thank you for reading my blog, being a friend to me, and for all your words and deeds that encourage me. So write a comment and let me know your thoughts.




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Secede in te ipsum....

I first came across the term "secede in te ipsum" while I was reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. In the preface, it was talking about the need for us to retreat within ourselves to find the answers. In the process of doing so, we ultimately carry out the famous advice of the Oracle of Delphi, "Know Thyself." 


I decided about three weeks ago to take a month off from social media. It was brought about by a set of circumstances. Three weeks ago, in front of our building, someone opened their car door and accidentally bumped a cyclist onto oncoming traffic. She was instantly killed. I didn't see this happen but I saw its aftermath. I heard a blood curdling scream from the street below. At first, I thought that it was some frosh students or protesters. What I ended up seeing was far worse than I could ever imagine. The lifeless legs of someone whose body was not in plain sight, obstructed by the vehicle that pinned her down. I saw the paramedics rushing to her aid, aggressively trying to resuscitate her back to life to no avail. Hours later, I found out that she was dead on arrival. A young woman in her early 30s whose life was no more. Two days after this, a family friend finally ended his prolonged battle with cancer. He was 42 and leaves behind a wife and 2 young kids. These events forced me to ask the existential questions that death brings about. "What matters to me?", "what am I living for?", "what do I want my life to mean?" Suddenly, these questions are no longer some esoteric, philosophical questions that I ask myself. Suddenly, they are real, brought to life by tragic events. 


During this time, I also had a talk with a friend. She challenged me about how I act and how I thought. It was difficult to answer her questions. I was forced to grapple with the questions that have been lying dormant but I chose not to answer because I didn't want to face them. "Who am I?", "Is the projected me the real me?", "Are there things about me that I think are my personality and is a part of me which are actually just baggage I need to get rid of?" These were very tough questions I needed to deal with and I wanted to take the time to think about them and contemplate. Thus, I took a month off of social media. No Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and even BBM. It's hard to find out who you truly are when everyone else is telling you who they think you are. I needed to drown out the noise so I can hear my own. 


I must say that it has been a great time of getting to know myself. I don't think I've gotten it all figured out yet but I'm definitely happy that I've made some progress. And yet, through it all, there is a recurring theme of God's pursuing love. God has made it clear to me that He wants me, that He wants to be with me, and that He wants to have a relationship with me. I would not be where I am today if not for Him. 


Oh God, may You continue to light my way and guide my path. 


and scene...

Sunset

**This post is part of Indie Ink’s Weekly Writing Challenge. Joelyn was my Challenger this week. Her topic to me was "Describe a beautiful sunset.” I in turn challenged Bewildered Bug **
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It was beautiful.

The muscles aching, straining to tap into some hidden energy reserves to climb up once more. Fatigued limbs grasping for what little oxygen it can possibly get. The mind feverishly working to come up with more lies to enable the body to keep on going.

It was beautiful.

Finally reaching the summit of the mountain. Looking out and seeing vast swaths of lands filled with fauna and flora. The deer leaping, the rabbit hopping, the frog jumping, the insects scuttling from one end to another.

It was beautiful.

The sky losing its bluish hue. In its stead, pinks and violets and orange mingled, interweaving with one another. The brightness and cheerfulness of the day easing itself so quietly and surreptitiously into the somber and mysterious mood of the night.

It was beautiful.

The garish sun that gave off intense heat throughout the day turns into the refreshing coolness of the night. It is as if it finally felt awful enough to stop its cruelty, if only for a brief moment in time. And in that moment, plants, animals and humans, find their rest.

It was beautiful how these thoughts circled in his brain. Wondering what it could mean, wondering what it would look like. He could only get snippets, bits and pieces, fragments from people's explanations. With their eyes, he could see the sunset in all its majestic glory.

It was beautiful. In his mind's eye.

Reaching the top

It started out as a random line thrown in a conversation. My friend told me that he liked climbing a mountain an hour away from his house. "Maybe we should do that one time... climb a mountain," I said. Burst of laughter from me ensues. I'm not a really outdoorsy type of person. I'm a city boy. I like my concrete jungle. But, something within me has been changing these past few years. More and more, I yearn to escape the city-ness that I live in. I long to see trees, walk in fields of grass, hear the stillness in the air. And so, I decided to do something that I've never done before. I was going to climb this mountain. 


It was a beautiful hike. Sweat dripping from my face, I kept on going. We took a small break and proceeded to take out our cameras and have a little photoshoot. Even did some planking and owling :P After awhile, we were back on the road to the top of this mountain. It was hard work but when you have a goal in mind, it makes the hard work easier. Well, maybe not easier, but at least it gives you a reason to move. Climbing up the rocky face was challenging, to say the least. The fear of falling never really left me until finally, there were no more rocks to climb, no more steps to make, because I finally reached the summit. As I looked out from the top, it took my breath away. The view was startlingly refreshing and breathtaking. 


Later on at night, we saw the light show of the heavens. The clouds, the stars, and the moon provided us with a heavenly display devoid of the light pollution that can often dull these glimmering bodies in the sky. Sitting there, my eyes transfixed, my heart bursting, my mouth silent, for once, at the wonder before me. God's wonderful creation viewed by another creation. Humbling and awe-inspiring to say the least. 


As I climbed down, I knew that it would not be my last. I look forward to going back up that mountain and being transported to yet another world. 

Yay!!! =) 

Poetry that inspired my latest writing challenge

I woke up to "The silence was deafening" and thought of this poem that I wrote awhile ago. This provided the impetus to write the story I just wrote.


Song of Sid IV


Mind spinning, whirling, twisting
Remembering what should remain forgotten
Seizing what should remain hidden
Contemplating what should remain latent


Soul descending, spiralling, groaning
Falling under a burden of care
Stumbling over sins I bear
Tripping over and under everything, I swear


The walls are closing in
I can barely breathe
My world is caving in
I can barely scream


I cry out in the open
I cry in despair
The tears flood my senses
But I can't tell if You're there


Silence.
Screaming silence.
Painful silence.
Silent silence.


Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani


Tetelestai.

The silence was deafening

*This post was inspired by Sherree Worrell's writing challenge. The topic is "The silence was deafening.” I decided to take up the challenge as well.*

The sun rose in the east. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decades after decades, millennium after millennium, it did what it naturally did. And yet, somehow, this time, it was different. The sun rose not only to announce that it was a new day; it rose to announce the end of a life. This morning, he was going to die.

He knew he had it coming. Well, everyone on this earth knows that but somehow still manage to think that it would never come. No, not him. He knew he was going to die. He even knew how. He was one of those people that knew his mortality. Accepting the fact that he was going to perish, it gave his life meaning and purpose. I guess that's how it works. We only know how to live well if we know how to die well.

I guess it wasn't a surprise. He was always telling the so-called good people the things they didn't want to hear. He was always telling the bad people that love is not some far-fetched dream. Standing up against the status quo can get you killed fast. It was only a matter of time before they were going to make a move against him.

In the middle of the night, they found him. Arrested him. Brought him to a kangaroo court where he was accused of crimes he didn't commit. Beat him. Tortured him. Amnesty International wasn't there to intervene against such cruel and inhumane practices foisted against his body. There will be no petitions for his release. The paparazzi couldn't make tabloid fodder over his fate. No one was there to console him. He was all alone. Even his so-called friends scampered away when they saw the law coming hard against him. When trouble came, they all fled.

And so, they subjected him to one of the most gruesome and humiliating walk of shame known to man. Stripped naked, they paraded him. They did it to make an example out of him. “Don't be like him,” mothers whispered to their kids. His mother crying a flood of tears as she sees the mangled flesh of her son. It was too much for her to bear.

Suddenly, the skies darkened. The very ground they stood on began to tremble. Pathetic fallacy perhaps? Maybe he was innocent after all? Perhaps. Only time will tell. And in the midst of all the rumblings in the sky, he cried out in a strange and foreign tongue. Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani. My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?

In what must seem like weeks, months, years, decades, and a millennium to a dying man, the answer finally came.

Silence.

My thoughts on life insurance...

The following is an excerpt from one of my projects for Biblical Interpretation and Application. For this class, we had to do a Scripture twisting journal. I know that I have had previous conversations in the past with fellow Christians who wonder about taking life insurance. This is my response to that question.

Scripture Twisting: Matt. 6:19-20

            My friend and I recently got into a conversation about life insurance. I guess that’s a sign of growing up and having to deal with real life issues. He was debating whether he should get one or not. When I asked him why he was hesitant about it, his answer took me by surprise. He said, “isn’t it wrong to get a life insurance? I mean, doesn’t the Bible say that we shouldn’t store up our treasures here on earth and that we should store up our treasures in heaven instead?” Since the Bible does say that we are to store up our treasures in heaven rather than on earth, does that apply to life insurances?

            France comments that “the focus of this saying is on priorities: heaven rather than earth. It is going beyond the intention of the saying to use it as a basis for ruling out all material possessions and all provisions for the (earthly) future on the part of the disciples.”[1] He reminds us of how “the itinerant and dependent lifestyle of Jesus and his disciples depended on the support of those who had not divested themselves of all their possessions.”[2] This verse is trying to highlight the need for us, as followers of Christ, to have an eternal perspective. It is to remind ourselves that we need to live a life that brings honour and glory to God. However, this does not mean that we should not be mindful of the fact that we do have an earthly existence rooted in material things. We need to eat, drink, have a job so that we can take care of ourselves and our family. Jesus is not trying to advocate some Gnostic idea of the flesh and how we should not take care of it. Jesus is, however, advising us that everything we do in this life is meaningless if we do not prepare for the life that is to come. We need to have a heavenly focus while we are on earth.

            My friend misunderstood the crux of the matter. This verse is not averse to taking care of our fleshly needs and desires. Getting life insurance isn’t about storing treasures here on earth instead of in heaven. Getting life insurance is a wise investment of the financial resources which God has given unto us. However, if our mind and heart puts its trust on our life insurance instead of God to provide for us, then we are in danger. It is a matter of priorities rather than a blank statement against having material possessions. According to Carson, he committed a fallacy arising from omission of distanciation in the interpretative process.[3] In some way, he is interpreting this passage just like the fisherman in F.F. Bruce’s story. Thinking that acquiring or being rich in material possessions is bad, he then imposes that theology on this particular verse. A proper understanding of this verse should lead him to first and foremost, question his motives behind getting a life insurance. Is he getting it so that he does not become a burden to those he will leave behind? Is he getting it so he can ease the burden on his family since his death will result in a loss of income for the family at large? Or is he getting it because he does not trust that God will provide and so he better start taking care of himself because God may or may not help him out in the end? Examining his priorities and evaluating his response would be a better way for him to tackle this question.

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[1] France, The Gospel of Matthew, 259.

[2] France, The Gospel of Matthew, 259.

[3] Carson, Exegetical Fallacies, 128.

The question of enthrallment

I was talking to a friend yesterday about some of the problems we face when we communicate with our parents. A lot of the people I know (especially the Asians, or immigrants in general) have trouble talking to our parents. Why? I think it's the generational gap in thinking that serves as a barrier. Our parents usually ask questions like "What kind of job can you get with your degree?" or "How much money are you going to make with your job?" Our response is usually something along the lines of "Life isn't just about money or getting ahead" or "I don't care what job I get as long as I'm happy." And the tension between the two generations rise up. While our parent's generation had to deal with "real" problems like poverty and famine, our generation deal with existential problems like "Who am I?" and "What is my purpose?"

Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs give us a glimpse into how this works itself out. For people who have to deal with questions of basic needs like "where are we going to get food for tomorrow?," they do not have the time to bother themselves in asking "do I find fulfillment in what I am doing right now?"

And so, we sit through class lectures at university wondering how knowing chemical equations, logical fallacies, and Darwin's evolutionary theory can give us a sense of accomplishment. What is this all about? Is it merely a series of events that culminate with me, walking down the aisle, and getting a piece of expensive paper with letters beside my name? Is this about getting a degree so that I can look/sound better than other people (when really there is no discernible difference between me and others, other than my degree that tells me I know things except I forgot everything after that first mid-term)?

What is our purpose? As Christians, the answer to that question is simple: our purpose is to obey God. After all, we are his servants. His very slaves. But, if we are honest, we have no idea what being a servant/slave means. No friggin' clue at all.

I was watching a show the other day about a man who owns gladiators and slaves. In his desire to exalt himself, he plots and schemes his way to curry the favour of a top Roman official. To entertain him, he gives the Roman official his most prized gladiator to deal with as he wishes. The Roman official, in his depravity, orders the gladiator to commit a morally contemptible act with another slave. The dilemma: the slave is his best friend's wife. But, slaves as they are, they have no choice in the matter but to follow orders. Even when they did not want to. Even when it was something against everything they stand for. They had no choice: they were slaves. They were nothing but property of their master who will deal with them in any manner he so chooses. Their lives are at their master's whim. Such is the life of a slave.

And yet, here comes God, in His infinite goodness, who sees our situation and buys us into a life of goodness. Sin is a cruel slave-owner and the price for getting out is dear and costly. It might even cost someone his own life. Yet, knowing the price for a wretch, God sends His own Son to redeem us, to buy us back from a life of depravity and death. His death in exchange for mine.

Let's pretend this scenario happens: someone who was not worth a dime being bought at a price of someone's own life. If that happened, I feel like I would be so extremely indebted to that person that I would do anything and everything for him. Even if it wasn't demanded of me, the freedom I now enjoy would cause me to celebrate and honour the man who has purchased me. If the one who has bought me would release me from his own power, yet would I not leave his side.

And yet this scenario is not some hypothetical example! This is what happened when Jesus Christ came to die on the cross and was raised from the dead three days later. His crucifixion and resurrection were the very means of our own redemption. Our freedom was gained through the sacrificial Lamb.

Something I'm guilty of, and I fear most of us as well, is how we do not understand the suffering of Christ. The whips, as horrible as they were, could not compare to the anguish of the soul that must have overcome Jesus when the very people he fed and who praised him just days before, were also the same people whose faces were turned against him, pleading and crying out for his death. How lonely and rejected he must have felt when the disciples who lived with him who professed their love for him were the ones who denied knowing he even existed. The physical, emotional and spiritual brutality that was inflicted upon him is incomprehensible. This was not something drawn out in weeks, months, or years. This came so suddenly and so strongly. Were we in that same position, would we not, just like Jesus, cry out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

All of this Jesus endured for our sake. Should this not well up within us such feelings of humility, contrition and love for Him? A worm such as I, deserving of nothing, was given everything! I, who owned nothing, am now made co-heirs with the Son of God. I, who was nothing, am adopted into the family of God. The pauper is now made prince! What sheer delight should fill our soul at such a thought! If this God ever tried to get rid of me, if He said to me, Leave my presence!, I have no choice but to let Him know that I shall do no such thing! I have seen what the world offers, and it pales in comparison to what He has shown me. I cannot and will not leave Him even if He should try to rid Himself of me! Such is my love for Him.

Yet, I fear that this is not the case. "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it/Prone to leave the God I love" is more the refrain of my life. And I have often wondered why? Why is it that despite of everything God has done for me, I so easily wander away from Him?

The answer was simple: God did not enthrall me. When I go to a store and I see the latest gadget, my eyes are fixed, my heart beats faster, and I am enthralled! I want that! I covet that! When my eyes perceive a thing of beauty, my knees go weak, my tongue is stilled, and I am enthralled! I yearn for that! I long for that! The things of this world so easily seduces me with its empty pleasures and empty promises. The problem with idols is that sooner or later, you realize that it wasn't worth it but you've lost everything of worth in the process.

As I gaze upon the wondrous cross, am I left speechless at the sheer agony and pain my Saviour must have endured for me? Do my eyes fill with tears of joy because for once in my life, someone thought I was worth something and showed it to me through the giving of his own life for mine? Does my heart leap with joy at the thought of a lone figure, hanging on a cross, knowing that I put him there and yet he musters up enough strength to stay the hand of his hurting Father and say "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

And I feel the question linger in the air: this God who has given His all, does He enthrall you? Are you enthralled by the beauty of His majesty? Are you enthralled by the humility of his divinity? Are you enthralled by His love that woos you to Himself?

My heart and mind says Yes, Yes, a thousand times Yes. And yet, my actions say No, No, a million times No.

Oh God, may You be my pleasure, my happiness, my delight. May I be enthralled by You in my very core. May my actions reflect how much You have enthralled me. That even if I have "better things" to do, I will set them aside because I cannot do anything but praise You! May my heart be full of You! May You be my Consuming Desire that urges me to recklessly abandon all I have to please You.

Even so, come, Lord Jesus.

and scene...

Reflections

I have been doing a lot of papers for seminary and sometimes, actually most of the time, I don't have the time to properly reflect on the things that I have written. More often than not, I am more worried about my marks than learning every single thing I can out of the readings and research I am doing. I'm trying to change that this year. It has been a difficult journey of switching priorities but I know that in the long run, this is what I'm supposed to do and the attitude I need to take. My marks will be useless in ten years, but the lessons I learn would hopefully stand the test of time.

One of the things that I have really thought about and in the process of grappling with is the following Hebrew word (hesed) חֶסֶד. It is roughly translated as steadfast love, loyalty, kindness, love, and goodness. Yet these translations pale in comparison to describe the extent and the fullness hidden and expressed by this word. For this, Michael Knowles' unpublished book Tell Me Your Name is a great resource. Reading and meditating on what this means for me, it brought me to a place of deep awe and love for the God Who has this type of love for me. This is the love that pursues, the love that fights for me, the love that follows me all the days of my life. What a beautiful word! This is something I wrote on hesed:

One of the things that stood out to me as I read and reflected on this chapter is the notion of God’s love as the love that pursues us till no end. His love knows no bounds. The example of Psalms 23 stands out to me. Because of the popularity and familiarity of this psalm to me, I have viewed this passage in a very monolithic way. God will be there to comfort me when things are bad. While that interpretation is still true, I think it misses out on some key salient points within the passage that can only be understood within the hesed paradigm.

In v. 1 and 3, we read “He leads me in right paths on account of, for the sake of his name”. Professor Knowles in his book points out that “in other words, God’s primary concern is for his own reputation, a point that is easy to overlook given the psalm’s recurrent images consolation, rescue, and generous provision, all of which cause readers to consider their own situations of need. God’s purpose in showing mercy, in caring for his people like a shepherd for sheep, is to demonstrate his own true nature, and to keep them from misunderstanding what kind of God has taken charge of them. God’s concern for his own name is a frequent Old Testament motif recalling for Christian readers the initial petition of the Lord’s prayer, “May your name be sanctified.”

Another thing that I've been thinking about lately is the beautiful, blessed Trinity. James Torrance Worship, Community, and the Triune God of Grace is an amazing book that talks about regaining the centrality of the Trinity in our understanding of worship. The following is taken from a book review I wrote on this book:

Christian worship, as it is defined and proclaimed in this book, is not only viable but is a much-needed application point in the life of many Christians. Too often, worship and community are seen within a very individualistic paradigm. An experiential event model of salvation that emphasizes the personal nature of salvation can cause a false doctrine of entitlement and works-based theology among its followers. In many of the Evangelical Protestant churches that I have attended, worship is often viewed as something that an individual does to please God or as an act that must be performed because it is commanded by God. It puts the onus on the individual to create the worship towards God. Yet, if Torrance is correct in stating that worship is based on our awareness of who God is and what He has done, then the primary character in the drama of worship is God. We, in response to what God has done, reciprocate by giving worship. There is nothing that I can personally do to create or manufacture worship. Likewise, my worship to God is not caused by my own will. Once we can move out of the individualistic paradigm of worship, we can finally see worship as an act that happens in true community with God. As much as God is the object of our worship, He is also the subject of our worship.The perichoretic unity found in the Trinity provides us with a model of what true worship and community should look like: united, humble and loving.

I'm really thankful that I have this time and opportunity to study the Word of God and think about theological things. I know that when I leave seminary the time I would have to devote on such things would be infinitely lesser than the time I spend on them now. I really want to take advantage of this time that God has given me. I pray that instead of focussing on just getting better marks, I would focus instead on the important things like encountering and being encountered by God!

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